We all have issues in life and every issue has two sides. While one side troubles us, this column hopes to help you perceive the other side of the story in a bid to resolve your internal and external conflict. This column has been introduced on the basis of feedback received from our esteemed readers who hope that such a column will give them insights into their own problems – vicariously. Kavita Thanky is our Agony Aunt and Life Coach; She will give her take on a few problems we all encounter.
We will be hosting this column every month and we would like it to be interactive. So do write to her at email@example.com or the Managing Editor at firstname.lastname@example.org - Answers to selected questions received before the 20th of the month will be published in the following month.
Q. Every time my cousin has to go out leaving her twins behind, she calls for my help and asks me to babysit them. She thinks I can do this easily as I work from home. She does not even thank me for the time I spend with the kids. Her mum is my mum's sister and my mum tells me to ignore my irritation and to help her out. How do I get out of this situation?
A. If this situation troubles you so much, you should have a heart to heart chat with your cousin. Tell her how you feel and that you would rather not babysit her kids. If she still insists that you help her, you can decide on your terms for the same with her. Helping family when they need it is fine and that is something that our society lives by but, if it is hampering your personal space and time, it is better to clear the air rather than feel being taken for granted by anyone.
Q. My husband keeps quiet whenever his mother shouts at me. He doesn't take my side or stop his mother. Does he even love me?
A. Married sons/husbands have a very difficult role to play. If he says something to the mother, he is accused of taking the wife's side and being hen-pecked. If he takes the mother's side, he is accused of being a momma's boy. In such situations, many men prefer to keep quiet.
If this is troubling you, then the best way would be for you to take some time out with your husband - alone - and tell him how his behaviour troubles you and how you would like him to empathize with the situation and react. Be open about how you would like him to speak up in the matter that is at hand. He may have some thoughts on why he stays quiet - hear him out. Be prepared to listen to his side of the story as well and understand him.
Q. My parents stay in the city with me, my wife and child. They wish to stay with us in the same house. I am 30 years old and my business is doing well. Three years back, I purchased a villa to accommodate us all. I recently cleared my home loan and put our child into an international school. My parents didn't seem to like this, they were more like jealous. Their only response to this was that I was lucky I can do this all while being so young and how they had it all hard through life. It is not that I do not have to slog for my earnings, I work 18 hours a day and make good money. Is it my fault if I am successful? Didn't they teach me to strive hard and achieve success? I even maintain our family home back in the village as my parents don't want to sell it and neither do they want to stay there. Why can't my parents just be happy for me?
A. Your parents surely encouraged you to achieve success and they would have gone through hardships trying to get you to study or with other family responsibilities. Today when you are able to buy a villa or pay off the home loan or incur other heavy expenses, they must be feeling proud that they taught you well. At the same time, maybe they feel they have not released all their own potential in life. This must be explaining their behaviour towards your success.
Do let them know how you appreciate their love and support, continue to show them kindness and love. Over time, they will come to realize their behaviour is hurting you and they'll change their outlook on things.
Q. I come home tired each night and my wife expects me to take her out on weeknights. I have explained to her that I can take her out only on weekends but she doesn't understand. She says I don't care about her even though she is a full day at home, taking care of the house, cooking and all. We are just 2 and our place is also small, she doesn't have much work but she says I worry only about work and not don't take her anywhere which is not true. Earlier she was not like this but for a year she has become like this. Why can't she understand I get tired from the long hours at work?
A. Working long hours can be really tiresome. At the same time, it is necessary to get a work-life balance. You cannot take your wife out every night, which is reasonable but you may try taking her for a walk to a nearby cafe or ice cream parlour, spend some time only with her. Then she may not feel that you don't care for her. She stays alone at home so she must be getting bored and wanting some time with you. Once you show a bit of concern for her situation, she will also realize about you and change her attitude towards your work.
About the author:
Kavita Thanky is married, a mother of one has worked in Fortune 100 companies like IBM and Microsoft, is an entrepreneur, has won the SAVVY Mrs India 2019 (Gold) title and is currently pursuing a law degree to bolster her work in the social sector with underprivileged women. Additionally, she holds a degree in Psychology and is a much sought after counselor to both Adolescents and Adults on life’s many vexatious issues. If you need guidance on any of your issues (your identity will not be revealed) please write into her at kt.counsellor.newsKarnataka@gmail.com or the Managing Editor at email@example.com - Answers to selected questions received before the 20th of the month will be published in the following month. However, all questions received will be answered by the Life Coach, Kavita, directly.
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