I used to write a satirical column called NK Satire for Newskarnataka.com. I wrote it weekly for 52 weeks and then I tired, and so retired. But the funny, sorry punny bone, cannot be broken so easily; its what makes us different from animals – have you seen a lion smile? So here’s a new series that will hopefully infect you like the virus – in a very smilingly symptomatic way – in these grim times. Its what will keep you positive, when the world around you wants you to be negative.
So here goes:
The Locusts have gone viral. Even as corona rolled in on its spikes from the front door, the locusts flew in through the back door. All the while we were locked up in a lockdown with our own Psychoses – talking to the furniture and making travel and entertainment plans for the balcony including lighting lamps and learning percussion from scratch.
These hoppers are not the ones in our beer unfortunately, and they don’t like it very much. So a liquid diet is assured! But our starters can be at an end. Currently, it is open-ended! They are food for some but only after they eat our food!
We looked up from our lockdown and there they were, eating all the vegetation that came in their way – hungry bunnies they are before they mate – unlike humans, who’s hunger pangs generally show their fangs after they mate.
“Locusts aren’t dangerous as long as they are individual hoppers/moths or small isolated groups of insects, in what is called the “solitary phase”. It is when their population grows to large numbers – the resultant crowding induces behavioral changes and transformation from the “solitary” to the “gregarious” phase – that they start forming swarms. A single swarm contains up to 40-80 million adults in one square km and these can travel up to 150 km in one day.” The Indian Express!
On the flip side, we humans have moved from our “gregarious” Phase into our solitary phase. Which phase is more dangerous to the world around us, is hard to say. But I guess its the “gregarious” phase because today all talk of terrorism, war, taxes, religiosity, and …. community have disappeared from our lexicon. The world is one in using protection at all times… including in its economies. There are no more economies of scale or references to the scale of the economy. The Economy is to scale!
Like the Virus, the Locusts traveled by air – on their own airplanes, thankfully not ours, social distancing and quarantines, totally forgotten. The police could not use their lathis – you really can’t play baseball or any kind of ball with these guys! so they decided to send their drones and some chemicals to stop them – and they did – just a wee bit; much like a can of Mortein does to ants!. And they don’t listen to Political Leaders telling them to stay home, stay safe at 4 hours notice. Much like us.
Hey! we human beings too, behave the same way, don’t we? Eat, Mate, Populate, Destroy, and then expand our areas of destruction when one area is complete? We too don’t listen to our political leaders, but being animals with some intelligence – as certified by Darwin and his ilk, 4 hours notice should have been enough – but apparently it was not.
The other similarity is to the virus – It too is swarming India at an alarming rate! Over 7000 cases detected a day currently. So many more out there carrying out Mission Virus. But a man on a mission, cannot be stopped – Like James Bond. The only hope is that the virus will return to its habitat in a lab, much like the Locusts who will return, the Locustoligists say, to the Rajashtan Desert Areas their natural breeding ground post-July. Thank God for that. This year was unusual in so many ways, not the least of which – The unseasonal heavy rains in the main spring-breeding tracts in March-April, and, two, strong westerly winds from Cyclone Amphan. Incidentally, these terrorists too, fly in-formation across the border every year post-monsoon! This year they are early – like the fires, the quakes, and the virus.
Meanwhile Donald Trump, POTUS, believes that withdrawal at the right time can help deescalate escalating situations; that is an excellent theory, though many people believe that staying in and working from within is the best way to control the situation – He withdrew from the Nuclear Deal with Iran, the climate change deal with around 180 countries and now from WHO, ironically just as his best friend’s best friend, India’s Health minister, generally unseen and unheard from during the entire Covid19 crisis, despite being a doctor – Must be the delegation theory at work – takes over as the Chairman of the WHO Executive Board. Unfortunately, he will have a lot less money to play with – because his trump card has been withdrawn – with a lot more lives to save. Now that’s a tough ask. Let’s ask them to add tea to it and make it a task? Unless we ask, it will never become their task. So do the needful.
PS: If you smiled, just a wee bit, let me know at brian@newskarantaka.com; else don’t, but thank you for reading even as the locusts are breeding.
