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Friday, March 29 2024
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Nk Satire: The week that was May 6 to 12

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“Laughter is an instant vacation.” said Milton Berle. Here at NK, we would like to contribute to lightening your mood in preparation for a meaningful and relaxed weekend. So here’s the tongue- in-cheek look at the events of the week gone by that you’ve been waiting for :)

Ever heard of Eugene Polley? My guesses are that you haven’t. So let me tell you. He was an inventor. And he changed the way we look at things, especially at television. Importantly he’s the guy most in Karnataka and around the country and the world were thankful to during the last phase of the campaign for the Karnataka Elections (there are many who will also tell you otherwise).

The instrument he created in 1955 – the wireless TV remote – gave immense relief to the citizens of Karnataka in 2018 from watching and listening to the owners of shrill voices, monotonous voices parroting standard phrases – for the poor, of the poor and by the poor (but wearing a different suit and boot in the morning and the afternoon, flying in helicopters and moving around in cavalcades), ungainly attempts by non-Kannadigas to speak in the local language in the hope of kindling affection and a vote, people holding important public offices leaving their work unattended and making a bee line for the state to tell people of the state what’s good and bad for them (as if they didn’t know!), important personalities who should know their history using erroneous history markers to make a point, making very personal (dy)nasty remarks including blaming one family for all the ills of the country and the state (a disaster they are trying to set right provided they are given a chance – repeatedly (they keep repeating that).

The only logic that can be applied to these assertionswould suggest that they didn’t vote in those days! Or the grapes have turned sour because their vote didn’t matter and members of the one family that they seem obsessed with got elected repeatedly and may yet again be elected despite their verbal diahorrea. A member of the said family said he is ready for a repeat, and that only made it worse –Again thank you Eugene Polley!

There was no debate or speech or discussion on manifestos (promises to keep), visons (mirages) work done (or half done or badly done) or work that that will be done (will it and by whom?) at either the central or state level… Again maybe in fear of the invention of Eugene Polley – citizen might just use it to switch channels and advertisers – mainly political parties- might just run away. Got to keep them interested to survive – Advertisers I meant.

Really, this Polley guy should be given a posthumous award, for his life changing invention. The other entity to be thankful to in this stressful week is the Board of Control for Cricket in India and its IPL. Every day at prime time, you could use Eugene Polley’s invention to switch from a press conference or TV debate or Election run about in the constituency to an enthralling game of cricket (the weekends were even better – it was 8 hours nonstop, though you could switch to the news in-between to see who was screaming about what! Again thanks to Eugene Polley), unless Karnataka (RCB) was playing. If they were playing – the result was pretty predictable unlike the ensuing Karnataka Assembly results.

As the week draws to a close, you will get a chance to show your purple stained finger to the journalist, pollster, TV crew and to anyone but the politician in the fray or his / her chief. He will be resting with his fingers crossed. It is likely that after he / she is elected you will get to see his finger – stained purple too. Having coloured your finger purple, you wouldn’t want your bank account to be awash in red would you? But it may just happen…

The manifestos of the three major political parties in the fray in Karnataka are focussed on sops for agriculture, women, Kannada, youth and Bengaluru. Men – Middle aged and Middle class – are passé. Just so you know what you did secretly in the Polling booth might come back to haunt you let me highlight a few promises in each… they make for good satire so I haven’t added my own.

The BJP -No government interference in Hindu temples, Reintroduction of the ‘Karnataka Prevention of Cow Slaughter and Preservation Bill 2012’, Crop loans waiver up to Rs 1 lakh on loans from nationalised banks and cooperatives, Rs 1.5 lakh crore for irrigation projects in the state, Making Bengaluru a “zero garbage” city and interestingly strengthening the Lokayuktha!

The Congress -Creation of 1 crore jobs at the end of five years, Start-up subsidy of up to Rs 1 crore, Free education to girls at post-graduation level, Doubling of farmers’ income, Scheme to fund 50 start-ups of minorities, giving Rs 10 to 20 lakh to each. This is for start-ups in the incubation stage and Rs 1 lakh cr investment to make Bengaluru India’s second capital.

The JD(S) -100 per cent loan waiver for farmers, Pregnant women will be given Rs 6,000 for three months before delivery and three months post-delivery, 100 hostels for female students in Bangalore and 10 in each district. The same number will be constructed for working women as well.

Each of them have a lot freebies too – from laptops to smart phones, free gold on marriage etc. Peter will no longer be safe as the scale of the robbery only gets grander each time.

As the Karnataka assembly elections entered its last week, the media – television, radio, Social and digital media – had a ball,manufacturing exposes, rifts, and debating who will win and the implications of what was said by whom. In the bargain they garnered a lot of revenue from the ad spends of those who could afford it. Some could not as their hard(ly) earned money had been confiscated by the IT men. But I think the youth benefited the most (in constituencies where money was not seized) – they were employed gainfully – at rallies, as election promoters as flyer distributors in backend work like social media priming and pumping and the like – After all gainful entreployment (it’s a new word for paan selling and pakoda making and the like where you are an entrepreneur + are employed for the purpose of government statistics) is one of the key promises of all the political parties….

The situation in Persia is hotting up while in the Far East it’s cooling down. The Koreas are stepping into each other’s living rooms without missiles in their bags and even the US has been invited to dine with them – Looks like the Trump card worked there, and in the excitement that followed he threw it on the table in the middle east – He pulled out of the Iran Nuclear Deal and is all set to impose sanctions. Meanwhile Israel and Iran are already in a proxy war in Syria and things could go from bad to worse in a jiffy… a dream scenario for the US weapons establishment…

Last word: The Supreme Court is in a judicial twist over judges’ appointments and case allocation. But it still seems focussed on the wellbeing of the country and its people – its primary role. A case in point is its orders in the case of the utilization of the much-awaited Eastern Peripheral Expressway which is expected to allow about two lakh vehicles, including trucks and commercial traffic, to bypass the national capital, reduce congestion and provide seamless connectivity beyond Delhi. It was slated to be inaugurated be inaugurated by Prime Minister Narendra Modi on April 29th. “Why was it not done then?” asked the Supreme Court. “Why are we waiting for the Prime Minister to inaugurate it?” the bench of Justices Madan B Lokur and Deepak Gupta hearing a case relating to Delhi Pollution said on Thursday. The Meghalaya High Court has been working for five years without an official inauguration, top court noted and said, “Why should the Eastern Corridor wait”. The NHAI counsel told the court that the expressway was scheduled to be inaugurated by April 29, but it could not be done due to PM Modi’s prior commitments (in Karnataka like in the Cauvery scheme case). The top court then directed the National Highways Authority of India (NHAI) to ensure that the new expressway is thrown open on or before May 31, with or without its formal inauguration.”Delhi is already under traffic distress and any delays will not be in the interest of the people,” the bench added. There’s no need to add to that… it says it all.

Vote well. Vote decisively. Don’t show me your finger. But having voted have a good weekend and a great week ahead. By this time next week… what you did in the polling booth will come back to haunt you…

The author can be contacted at brian@newskarnataka.com

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Brian Fernandes

Brian is an alumnus of Roshni Nilaya’s Post Graduate School of Social Work, HR Department and has 30 years of local and international HR and General Management experience. Journalism, poetry, and feature writing is a passion which he is now able to pursue at will. Additionally, he loves compering and hosting talk shows. He loves learning and imparting it; so, when time permits, he provides leadership facilitation and soft skills training to Postgraduate students and Corporates in Mangaluru and Bengaluru. Besides, he is an accomplished Toastmaster under the aegis of Toastamasters.org and a designated Distinguished Toast Master.

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