“Laughter is an instant vacation.” said Milton Berle. Here at NK, we would like to contribute to lightening your mood in preparation for a meaningful and relaxed weekend. So here’s the tongue- in-cheek look at the events of the week gone by that you’ve been waiting for :)
World Happiness Index: The UN Sustainable Development Solutions Network’s (SDSN) 2018 World Happiness Report 2018, a landmark survey of the state of global happiness ranks 156 countries by their happiness levels based on six key variables: Income, healthy life expectancy, social support, freedom, trust and generosity. Denmark, Switzerland, Norway and now Finland, all incidentally in Scandinavia, have held the top spot over the last four years. India, having endured Acche Din since May 2014, should have figured high up on the list. Surprisingly it is in the 133rd position, which signifies a drop of 11 places from last year’s 122nd rank. India’s ranking is far behind the ranking of other neighbouring countries such as Pakistan, Nepal, Bangladesh and China, countries our media and others in the establishment consider to be dictatorial, immature and hopeless. But at least their people are happy, if the report is anything to go by.
A million mutinies: The report is borne out by the apparent fact that everybody, but everybody in India is unhappy these days. They still don’t show it at the polling booth, probably because they still hold the remnants of awe for the ‘booth’ itself but have begun to show it on the streets that lead to the polling booth.
In the recent past, farmers (for MSP and water), youth (for jobs), students (for jobs and leaks), minorities (out of fear and provocation), businessmen, barring a favoured few (for demonetization and the complexities of GST), Dalits (for the alleged dilution of the SC/ST Act), commuters (against the daily hike in fuel prices which has reached alarming proportions), parliamentarians (for stifling their voices) opposition political parties (for political space, water and funds), some within the ruling party (for the way they have been treated), scammers, fraudsters, criminals in UP, terrorists (for the way they are being hounded) parts of the majority itself (for screening of films, reservations, religious reasons etc), and Judges of the Apex Court (for the inappropriateness of the functioning of the court) have expressed their unhappiness in various ways – some innovative, some traditional and some downright ultra-traditional! The unhappiest seem the farmers, followed by the Dalits and the students. Political Parties especially the opposition political parties are always a naturally unhappy lot. It flows from their role in the Indian polity.
As of now this unhappiness has manifested itself in the form of protests, and not the guillotine, so we see a protest every alternate day. These protests have been both peaceful and fiery… (with real fire) Some say that these protests are the sign of a healthy democracy. Others call it the sign of an unhealthy Namocracy. Sadly, among the many spontaneous actually aggrieved protestors, one may find more than a few professional protestors too. Like professional stone pelters, they join the protests when they see a chance to earn money – after all like Pakoda making, it too isa form of employment in a New India where traditional jobs are no longer considered a part of the growth story…. The new growth story is reflected in the following headline “280 To vie for 1 Position, 2.5 Crore apply For 89,409 Jobs in Railways”. This headline must have destroyed Moody’s mood, and reiterated the fact that Poor is Standard for the Indian Economy.
Budget Session of Parliament: The second half of the budget session was a wash out. That term may be inappropriate usage, for the monsoon has yet to begin – Perhaps it’s being used in anticipation of a good monsoon which will entail another washout. And if the monsoon fails, it will be barren anyway. Despite the heavy rain, and despite a lack of confidence in themselves, they managed to have the budget rubber stamped. Money Bills are heavy and can’t be washed away…
The ruling alliance virtually voted in favour of the motion of no confidence, (Now a days virtual and digital are key words) when they showed no confidence in their numbers or their flock and refused to debate and vote on the no confidence motion tabled by the opposition. In remorse they even sacrificed their pay and allowances and are also protesting outside parliament. They too seem unhappy.
Fake News: What was not debated in Parliament was expressed on the streets in front of Television cameras but to no avail. The I&B ministry said it was not the Truepicture (the site the government allegedly relies on to determine fake news!) and it was all fake news and decided to proscribe it through the issue of a set of guidelines. But the men with a larger vision immediately knew which side of their bread had Amul on it, despite the Amul Chairman having resigned recently, and pulled the plug on their efforts within 24 hours. Now we can continue to watch the true picture unfold!
The icing on the cake: It has been reported in the media (must be the true picture because many media houses reported the very same news verbatim :) that a Professor of botany in Kerala, while speaking at an event, said that women who “wear jeans and shirts and dress like men, give birth to transgenders”. Apart from being misogynistic, it’s a strange statement to make because, biology does not suggest that conception or for that matter delivery is possible clothed!. Perhaps he was quoting from botany which has no such restrictions.
Leaks: All the government’s buckets are leaking these days from exam papers to data, from money to airlines. It’s a few black sheep in an otherwise all white flock that burrowed the holes, they say and we will catch them, and make them kick the bucket. No one will be spared, but we are not responsible so we cannot be held accountable. All the leaks are due to poor quality of buckets provided by the previous government. This reminds me of a children’s song, based on a dialogue between two characters, called Henry and Liza, about a leaky bucket. It goes like this:
There’s a hole in the bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza,
There’s a hole in the bucket, dear Liza, a hole.
Then mend it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
Then mend it, dear Henry, dear Henry, mend it.
With what shall I mend it, dear Liza, dear Liza?
With what shall I mend it, dear Liza, with what?
With a straw, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
With a straw, dear Henry, dear Henry, with a straw.
The straw is too long, dear Liza, dear Liza,
The straw is too long, dear Liza, too long,
Then cut it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
Then cut it, dear Henry, dear Henry, cut it.
With what shall I cut it, dear Liza, dear Liza?
With what shall I cut it, dear Liza, with what?
With a knife, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
With a knife, dear Henry, dear Henry, with an knife.
The knife is too dull, dear Liza, dear Liza,
The knife is too dull, dear Liza, too dull.
Then sharpen it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry
Then sharpen it, dear Henry, dear Henry, sharpen it.
On what shall I sharpen it, dear Liza, dear Liza?
On what shall I sharpen it, dear Liza, on what?
On a stone, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
On a stone, dear Henry, dear Henry, a stone.
The stone is too dry, dear Liza, dear Liza,
The stone is too dry, dear Liza, too dry.
Well wet it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
Well wet it, dear Henry, dear Henry, wet it.
With what shall I wet it, dear Liza, dear Liza?
With what shall I wet it, dear Liza, with what?
Try water, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
Try water, dear Henry, dear Henry, water.
In what shall I fetch it, dear Liza, dear Liza?
In what shall I fetch it, dear Liza, in what?
In a bucket, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
In a bucket, dear Henry, dear Henry, a bucket.
There’s a hole in my bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza,
There’s a hole in my bucket, dear Liza, a hole.
Use your head, then! dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
Use your head, then! dear Henry, dear Henry, use your head!
Check your buckets (Cauvery water is precious) and have a good weekend a great week ahead.
The author can be contacted at brian@newskarnataka.com
