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Respecting women is about respecting their choices, JNU student tells ABVP on live-in relationships

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Earlier this month, the student wing of the Bharatiya Janata Party launched a campaign against live-in relationships, as part of a drive to raise awareness about atrocities against women. Such relationships “go against the grain of Indian culture and the institution of family”, the Akhil Bharatiya Vidyarthi Parishad claimed as activists formed a human chain at Delhi University.

“It is also true that hardly any such relationship succeeds,” ABVP Delhi secretary Saket Bahuguna told the Indian Express. “We will form student groups in various colleges and undertake case studies to apprise girls of the detrimental effects of being in such a relationship.”

ABVP national secretary Rohit Chahal said that the issues of live-in relationships had been discussed at a national workshop for girls the group had held in Lucknow in August.

In response to Chahal’s statement, Aparna Mahiyaria, a student at Jawaharlal Nehru University, sent him this letter.

Mr. Chahal,

I have a boyfriend. We live together. He is adept with household work and shares it equally with me. Not only that, we are each other’s emotional support in any situation of crisis and trouble. It is a beautiful feeling to come back home (at whatever time) to him.

I come from a family of RSS [Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh] activists and my parents wanted to get me married after BA to a person of their choice (based on religion/caste etc of course). Even as I keep insisting that I want to study further and buy time, they keep bringing up the “need” for marriage, time and again, making it difficult even to study peacefully.

Just saw a news report where your activists are demanding respect for women. Respecting women is not about choosing for them what is right for them. Respecting women is about respecting their choice ? even the choice to say no. Women are able, rational beings ? by the virtue of being humans, and anyone who thinks they respect women must first acknowledge their ability to make decisions for themselves.

Even if my relationship does not succeed, I don’t think it is the end of my life (it might be so in your patriarchal world). It is not a big deal because my identity is not defined by the man I take as a partner. Ending the relationship could be my choice too. Also, the success or failure of my relationship is for me to deal with, it is none of your business. Live-in relationships are beautiful, loving is beautiful.

And guess what, my boyfriend is Muslim. Both of us, however, are atheists and our relationship is independent of our religious and caste identities. You don’t understand such a concept, do you?

P.S. We also make each other drinks once in a while, sit in the balcony and talk endlessly. Meanwhile, the fight with you and your likes (which includes my parents too) goes on.
In love, hopelessly, with Sahil Kureshi.

Aparna Mahiyaria

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